A period of unravelling and integration brought about through the opening up of motherhood and the intense light my children shine on my deepest shadows has led me here to acknowledge and record my experience. I love to research, write, and create artwork exploring ideas around motherhood, feminism, learning and unlearning. I haven’t yet worked out how to really integrate this in a balanced way into my life — that is the dream! So, for now these expressions of creativity happen in tiny windows of time.
I want to explore why these widows are so tiny for so many of us, why patriarchy and privilege have ultimately set us up to make us feel guilty, to toe the line, not shout too loud, or God forbid, air our laundry out of those tiny windows! As the English nursery rhyme forewarns,
"... they that wash on Saturday, Oh! they’re sluts indeed."
This unravelling is part of my process of deschooling myself after 21 years within the mainstream education system — based on behaviourist punishment and reward systems — being told what to do and when to do it. The realisation that beyond the learning institutions I spent so much time in, there is no report on my efforts, no authority figure to tell me if I'm doing well, or not and no test to prove my worthiness slapped me in the face, or more emphatically, ‘hit me in the gut’ once I left.
I'm part of an anxious generation that are constantly afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Like many before us, we have been conditioned through established, shameful practices to require external validation to feel accepted and make decisions. We are too worried we will be punished for making the wrong choices and therefore get stuck and frustrated. So many of us find it hard to make decisions because our own needs have been overruled by the needs of the class, the institution, the collective.
As the late Tommy Cooper said, "I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."
I've been too 'schooled' to put myself out there. What if I fail, upset someone, sound stupid? I have discovered that instead of relying on a teacher, the timetable, or the dinner bell, I need to listen to my physical and emotional needs and believe in my own autonomy...what!!? This is no mean feat, especially after not doing it for a lifetime. I must claim back my self-government to exemplify this for my children. I ultimately intend to create and maintain a safe platform for them to hold onto their sovereignty.
I am working with my inner critic, listening to that part of me, but not letting them rule. I am getting to the bones of my limiting beliefs that originally set my inner critic up to try and keep me safe. But, due to their outdated and misguided viewpoint, have in fact been holding me back.
I want to explore if/how I can use what I have learnt through my education* and background in architecture to build bridges, open up all the tiny windows, knock holes through the walls... create bigger windows... create doors even, to pass though into new ways of being, not confined by patriarchal barriers. I want to explore social psychology and the connections between people and the places they exist in to encourage self directed learning and freedom to learn.
I want to enjoy creating and being. I wish to showcase to my children that doing what you love isn't indulgence. I aim to create a supportive container for them to thrive in against the tide of punitive, non-consensual, conditional mainstream values.
I believe that through art (in all forms), we can help ourselves and consequently others. Therefore, this is a place to gather some of the tiny windows of ideas, writing and artwork into something that can be seen/read and hopefully enable others to feel acknowledged. There must be someone who needs to know there are other people feeling the same.... wanting to open up all the tiny windows too.
*I am in no way saying learning or education is negative or bad; it's the way in which an individual’s self-governing and consent is lost to the machine of the institution (due to the wider patriarchal, capitalist system) that I don't agree with.
I also understand, without judgement that many people have little choice other than mainstream school, and that some progressive schools are taking the initiative to utilise student-centred, consensual, and democratic principles working with organisations such as Phoenix Education (https://www.phoenixeducation.co.uk/).