I was over the moon (and shit-scared) to have an article chosen for the 2021 Green Parent magazine writing competition: https://thegreenparent.co.uk/articles/read/the-seasons-of-motherhood?fbclid=IwAR2XhTgTSc26dJFhsJE7xCFsa6Q4Fa6IYkPhPR9EKTC64y9FXh4K9F_9YYc
Originally titled ‘An Uninitiated Season of Motherhood’, interestingly, the title was changed for the website – probably to make it a little broader, or maybe less esoteric. The ‘uninitiated’ part that was omitted is important to me, as I feel it sums up so much about the way so many women innocently enter such a huge, life changing experience with very little support, or awareness about the realities of the inequity children and parents, particularly mothers, face in our Western culture.
When I entered my piece for the competition, some part of my subconscious must have given me the boost to overlook my very schooled and very loud inner critic that tells me to keep quiet! It’s that ancient voice, harking back to the beginning of patriarchy, that tells us our voices aren’t relevant or worthy.
Whilst it can feel intimidating and vulnerable putting one’s thoughts out into the world, after sitting with those uncomfortable feelings, now more than that, it feels positive to normalise sensitive issues around motherhood – issues that so many women have felt they have to conceal or not discuss, due to shame.
I knew my motivation for writing this piece wasn’t to gain praise (although that ingrained school wound is unfortunately very real for so many of us). I entered because writing this was cathartic and meditative for me. The words had been swimming round inside my head for a long time and entering the competition gave me the impetus to collate the ideas in a succinct format. Maybe I was also reverting to the behaviourist model my brain knows so well – using the crutch of a deadline to punish or reward myself. Had I just bowed to the Skinnerian concept that I’ve been trying so hard to shake off, or can I rest in Dweck’s theory that I am cultivating a ‘growth mindset’ through my effort and perseverance? I’ll go with the latter, but also know that there is still plenty of un-learning to do as the idea of ‘competition’ has, and still does, give me the heebie-jeebies!
When I got the email to say my article was going to be published, my initial reaction was fear – the fear of exposure, but also, I thought that if I shared it, people might think I was full of hubris. I felt an inner conflict between a sense of achievement and a sense of dread. I had put myself on a plate and might get eaten!
I wondered where this visceral conflict between pride and hubris came from. Was it a school wound? How far back does this self-shaming conditioning go?
Part of my initial reticence to share the article very far came from my former understanding of the notion of ‘ego’ and how I, like many, had muddled it up with ‘egotism’. The ego is simply the ‘self’; that which feels, acts, or thinks. In Latin ego means "I" with no vanity associated.
Psychoanalysis also understands the ego as one part of the human personality, or the conscious mind, that is responsible for dealing with reality. It is where we experience the “self” or “I” – the rational part of our personality.
‘Egoism’ is the theory that the ‘self’ is the motivation and the goal of one’s actions and this seems like a very healthy way of being. Yet sadly, this word seems to have become lost in our current language and all we now know of is ‘egotism’.
Is this a fall out from the competitive nature of capitalism? I believe it is now so much harder to find or sustain the beauty and joy of intrinsic motivation because we are bombarded by competition and the drive for external/extrinsic rewards to receive something from others or to avoid negative outcomes. This programming starts so early in our Western culture with all the carrots and sticks (rewards and punishments) young children are subjected to – sticker charts, time outs and the removal of connection, all in the name of dominant control.
The Cambridge dictionary defines ‘egotism’ as: ‘Thinking only about yourself and considering yourself better and more important than other people.’
Surely this is a major requirement for capitalism to thrive and is key in understanding how humans since the Enlightenment have become so removed from community and the earth!
In a strange opposition, we have also been warned about becoming self-obsessed as far back as ancient Greece with the myth of Echo and Narcissus that tells us obsessive self-love is basically lethal!
Image: Echo and Narcissus by John William Waterhouse 1903
Narcissus was the beautiful son of the nymph Liriopeand and river god Cephissus who grew up to be a hunter. It was said that he would live to old age if he never looked at himself. He had many admirers but rejected them all – I wonder if he simply had strong boundaries and was an early advocate for consent?!
Echo, a chatty river nymph who had upset the goddess Hera after concealing her husband Zeus’ affairs – I wonder how much say Echo had in that dominant relationship? – was cursed to only repeat the last words of others. One day she saw Narcissus and like so many others, fell in love with him.
When her love was also rejected, she withdrew from the world and wasted away. All that was left was the echo of her voice. This was heard by Nemesis, the goddess of revenge who, in response made Narcissus fall in love with his own reflection. He stared at himself until he also wasted away. A narcissus flower sprung up where he had died. We now associate this flower with the awakening of spring after the darkness and decomposition of winter. From the word ‘Narcissus’ or ‘Narkissos’ (Greek) we get the word ‘narcissism’ – being self-absorbed, egotistical, vain. But this word has only been in use as this psychological term since the late 1800s.
Like so many stories passed on for generations, this story has an overriding authoritarian teaching to it…don’t do this, or else! Both Narcissus and Echo were victims of dominant control through punishment. The dominant culture continues to have this control over us by making us feel uncomfortable with or feel the need for external praise. Social media could be seen as a way of feeding this compulsion – I’ll save that for another time!
In line with my own deschooling, I believe having this article published was like peeling off the next layer of the proverbial onion. I am facing and getting over fears/self-doubt, which enables me to get closer to my authentic self and inner wisdom that has been buried by the social conditioning the dominant culture piles on.
Through these deep dives into uncomfortable feelings, I am learning more and more about my own ‘self’ or ego(ism) and getting to grips with all the internal and external conflict that comes with re-wiring my brain to be more comfortable and secure with an internal locus of control. I am refocusing my attention away from the external locus or ‘dominant’ control that comes from the colonial model that most of our systems and institutions are structured around.